Unleash your fury!

New stress room to open at Douglas College this finals week

By Chandler Walter, Columnist

With the overwhelmingly positive response the Puppy Room received during the finals week last December, some people around Douglas College were thinking of opening up another room to help students deal with their overwhelming stress.

The Fury Room will be a new instalment beside the Puppy Room, where disgruntled, on-the-edge learners will be able to go and cope with their stress in a rather different way.

With completely soundproofed walls, this windowless room will be filled with nothing but punching bags, dummies, stress balls, and pillows. The walls and floors will be padded, and Rage Against the Machine’s “Killing in the Name” will be played on a constant loop in the background.

“We understand that everyone deals with their stress in different ways,” said James McCarthy, the visionary behind this project. “Petting a puppy is all well and good for some people, but for others, you just really need to hit something. We’ve created a non-violent Fight Club, if you will.”

The Fury Room, however, is not only for the destructively inclined, as it offers a wide array of coping possibilities.

“The room will be so soundproofed that even the most soul-crushingly hopeless screams of utter despair will be stifled,” McCarthy happily assured us. “Which is good, because we all know how distracting those can be in the library around finals time.”

The Fury Room will also be fully stocked with tissues, for those who prefer to cry away the pain and disappointment they’ve brought to their families.

The room will probably be open on December 5 from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. (other dates to be determined) for all students wanting/needing to use the facility*.

*It should be noted that therapy sessions are mandatory for all those who sign up. It should also be noted that this is a joke.