New head of state ‘a very good boy’
By Mercedes Deutscher, News Editor
The US Senate voted in a nearly unanimous 99–1 vote to remove President Donald Trump from office on Monday, after Trump was found to be guilty of attempting to drown an entire litter of puppies in 2005.
The appalling scandal came forth during the 2016 election, when Trump was quoted to have said: “Grab them by the pussy.”
While the public was initially led to believe that this was about Trump sexually assaulting a woman, it was later revealed that Trump had been instructing his staff to seize a box of puppies that had been nearby a sitting cat.
After a short term of presidential action that included removing funding from scientists, placing gross restrictions on immigration, and planning the construction of a wall on the border of the United States and Mexico, it was a scandal involving harming infant canines—which Twitter has dubbed #PuppyGate—that proved to be the last straw for the American public and the previously supportive Republican government.
Only the Republican senator from Washington state remained in support of Trump after the extent of the crime had come to light.
“I’ve always been more of a cat person anyways,” Senator Brendan Schoonmaker told reporters after the impeachment vote had taken place.
With Trump ousted, the American public was distraught on what a government under Vice-President Mike Pence would look like. However, neither Pence nor any of the successors to the presidency could be found to take an oath of office.
Thankfully, a Pembroke Welsh Corgi by the name of Cooper had found its way into the Senate. After rolling over and shaking paws with nearly every senator in the building, it was proposed that Cooper be nominated for the vacant presidency.
It was decided in another 99–1 vote that Cooper would become the 46th President of the United States of America, only opposed by Schoonmaker because he could not let love and joy into his heart.
“Arf arf woof,” said Cooper in his inaugural address, which roughly translated to, “It is my absolute honour to stand before you as President of this nation.”
“The American public has not had it easy these past few months,” Cooper’s impassioned and though provoking speech continued. “It was not easy for the women of this nation, who have felt so wronged by an administration meant to protect them that they have felt it necessary to march for equality and freedom. It has not been easy for our Muslim brothers and sisters, who have faced some of the most undemocratic and appalling discrimination since the dark days of World War II.”
“The previous administration has created an America that is divided and afraid. I ask of you, fret not. For we were once a nation that took care of our neighbours and played fetch with our friends, before a choice between a ball and a stick pitted us against each other. Let us not take from each other, but only throw.”
In his first day in office, President Cooper signed an executive action that guarantees free vet access and pet insurance to all citizens.
Although still early in his administration, much of the public has lovingly dubbed their new president as “Good Boy.”