The leaves haven’t changed but the pumpkin spices are out
By Chandler Walter, Contributor
The seasons may be changing, but one man’s wardrobe, unfortunately, has not.
A local Vancouver man awoke on September 1 with something of a dilemma: The air was chilly, yet the sun was shining, and he had to get dressed for work.
Knowing the pains (and humiliation) that accompanied being far too sweaty at his office job, Dennis Hobfort made the reasonable decision to wear shorts and a T-shirt, disregarding the morning chill as nothing more than just that.
Little did Hobfort know that the weather would turn on him, raining down a faint drizzle during his lunch.
“It was extremely inconvenient,” he said during an exclusive interview with the Other Press. “I thought it was going to be a gorgeous summer day, yet all I’m seeing are clouds and moderate temperatures.”
Hobfort was last seen making an impromptu umbrella out of a cane and some garbage cans.
The phenomenon that is the changing of the seasons has not only afflicted Hobfort, but others in the Metro Vancouver area as well.
“I honestly don’t know when summer actually ends,” said one woman who chose to remain anonymous for reasons of personal security. “I know it’s sometime in September, but is it like, right at the start, or at the end, or what?”
While many around the city deem Halloween as “Definitely Fall” and Christmas as “For Sure Winter,” a survey conducted by the Totes Reel Institute found that, on average, people were “dumb as doorknobs” about when the seasons are actually supposed to change.
“We’re surrounded by idiots,” said one scientist in the official report. “Why are you making this so difficult?”
Throwing a delicious wrench into the entire mix is the coffee giant, Starbucks, who decided to release their infamous Pumpkin Spice Lattes earlier than usual this year, prompting people across the country to don their scarves and mittens far, far too early.
“It’s just so warm and delicious,” Suzy Selmany, whom the Other Press spoke to at a local Starbucks location, said of the drink, “and I look fab in my new fall wardrobe.”
Selmany had been showing signs of heat exhaustion, though no amount of persuading from the baristas, local authorities, or our reporter could persuade to her stop drinking the hot beverage on the 25°C day, or from wearing what was obviously too many layers.
What remains clear is that, until October 1 hits, the residents of Vancouver will simply live in a torturous limbo between summer and fall and have no idea what to do about their pitiful plight.