Be part of the herd, follow the list
By Klara Woldenga, Entertainment Editor
Recently moved to Vancouver and are already confused? Welcome. Lived here for a while and feel super out of touch with the city because it’s emotionally cold and overwhelming? Me too, man.
Luckily, I’ve used my superior/creepy powers of observation and made a list of five things all Vancouverites do. Follow them and feel part of the collective hivemind once again.
We are known as one of the least friendly cities in Canada for a reason: We hate everything. The rain, the sun, people on the bus, on bikes, on sidewalks, in cars. There is no limit to Vancouver’s hate for the world around it. So, be part of the hate wave by putting your hate cap on and starting to detest things around you. Once you start, you’ll be surprised by how easy it is to stay in your black and white way of thinking. If someone challenges you, just hate them. It’s really that easy.
Again, this is a super easy one and probably something you have down already. If not, either start burning your money bills in cartoon-like fashion or start investing in things that are basically the same as putting your money in a black hole, like “the children” or the whales. Do a double-bill by investing in whale children or children of the whales.
Never text anyone back
Being super great with replying to text or calls is a clear indicator that you’re not on the Vancouver bandwagon. Neglect is in, baby, and it’s easier than you think. First, become Facebook friends with way too many people. Second, let technology change how you see your friends from humans to merely apps—simple tools to get what you want without any need of compromise, reciprocation, or care. Once you start that ball rolling, cutting off connections when it’s too inconvenient for you to keep them will be easier than you ever thought possible.
Head out for a night on the town and embrace disappointment
Pulling this one off takes a bit of collaboration. Invite your friends out and wander around downtown Vancouver for an hour or so looking for a pub or music venue to hang out in. Find most of them either full or featuring shitty music and over-priced drinks, then try and hail a cab to just go back home to watch a movie.
Have panic attacks about the housing crisis
Will I ever own land here? How would that even possible? What does it even mean to own land, anyway? Staying awake late at night thinking about these questions is a huge staple of what it means to be a Vancouverite. Bonus points if you struggle with your two jobs the next day due to sleep exhaustion.