Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly
Ramen recipe
By Mercedes Deutscher, Social Media Coordinator
Ingredients:
One package of instant noodles
Salt (you own tears may be substituted)
One egg
Hold package of noodles. Deliberate for 40 minutes over whether or not you really want to cook the noodles or just crush them up and eat them dry.
Eventually start to open noodles. Struggle with open the packaging due to the fact that you lost your scissors last week and never got around to finding them. Finally open package, allowing loose noodles to spill out onto the counter.
Fill a pot with two inches of water. Place un-cracked egg in water. Ask Siri to set a timer for four minutes because that is how long Google said it would take to soft boil an egg. After asking five times, set the damn timer yourself.
On another element on your stove, boil some water in a sauce pan. Ensure you do not have the correct amount of water for the noodles. Too little or too much is fine, but be certain that it is the incorrect amount.
Watch the water reach boiling temperature as you think about the pile of dirty laundry on your floor that you need to wash. Assure yourself that you can always buy more socks and underwear, and feel good about the fact that your favourite sweater doesn’t smell that bad yet.
Take egg out of boiling water after four minutes. Cool egg down quickly by placing it in a bowl of ice water.
In your other pot of boiling water, pour in package of noodles. Painfully retrieve seasoning packet that fell in the boiling water with noodles. Set aside. Poke at noodles with a fork until they break apart and become limp.
Pour in seasoning packet and adjust temperature to minimum. You don’t want your noodles and soup to get cold.
Take egg out of cold water and use a teaspoon to crack and peel shell. Somehow find part where the egg white is still a little uncooked. Try to gently remove shell from this area and panic when it opens and drips liquid yolk. Panic and throw egg into the ramen.
Turn off heat and remove pot filled with overcooked noodles, broth, and liquid egg.
Season your ramen with salt, or your tears caused by how you can never get the boiled egg right. Evolve this into a crisis where you cry about not being able to get anything right in your life. Realize that you are a disappointment to your friends and family, and that you take so much more than you give back. In order to properly season you will need to make sure your tears fall directly into the ramen.
Pour ramen into a bowl and take into your room along with fork or chopsticks. Lay in bed and eat some of the noodles before placing bowl on your bedside table for two days.
