Illustration by Cara Seccafien
Don’t like it? You should’ve chosen to be born a man
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Local authorities issued this statement to all women and femmes last Friday.
“Because we’re now leaning into the summer months, women have to be aware that some of their rights and privileges will be taken away,” Francine Byers, deputy police chief, told press. “This includes any and all bodily autonomy as well as the right to be comfortable in their own skin.”
Byers went on to state, “It doesn’t matter if it’s 30 degrees out—any and all exposed skin will be an open invitation for men to ogle and comment on. Sorry ladies, that’s just the way it is.”
Other privileges, such as the ability to go to the beach with girlfriends wearing a swimsuit, will also be nullified during 2019’s summer months.
“Think you can have a nice time by the seaside with your besties? Think again,” Byers said in the announcement to a booing crowd. “Your body then falls under masculine law, and they have the right to stare at your chest and make any and all comments they want.”
Other Press reporters spoke to local women to see how they felt about their basic human rights being revoked.
“It’s unfair and demoralizing, but I’m too tired to fight it,” said Danielle Fresco, 27. “I was so angry during my early 20s that it’s mostly burned off by this point. I just try to never leave the house, and if I do, I wear so much shapeless linen that my body looks like an unidentifiable blob. You have to fully cover your feet as well—that’s another place they can get you.”
“I find it’s best to avoid any male family members during the summer,” said Geraldine Miller, 19. “I just can’t handle seeing my own grandfather gawp at other women like he’s not using a walker and an oxygen tank to survive.”
“I just had to tell my 11-year-old daughter the harsh realities of the season,” Sara Amor, 42, told press. “She has the body of a child and hasn’t even gone through puberty yet, but I said, ‘Sweetie, that doesn’t matter at all to a creepy man.’ If you’re a woman wearing a shirt that exposes your shoulders, you’re gonna get stared at by a 49-year-old man who looks like your father. I don’t make the rules—I’m just beaten down by them every day of my life.”
What does this mean to the modern woman?
“Don’t think that you can’t enjoy yourself for the next couple of months,” Byers said. “The sun is shining, and we all deserve to have a little happiness! I recommend complete disassociation to the point where you’re not fully in your corporeal form. I also advise all women to carry a firearm like I do.”
Brian Henderson, the chief of police, announced to press shortly after that all men were required by law to expose the half-inch of skin below their bellybutton at all times.
