‘Yes, your ex definitely talks shit about you!’ and other validated concerns

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Anne Ziety’s new book of home truths takes world by storm

By Rebecca Peterson, Assistant Editor

 

Have you ever wondered if there’s a legitimate basis for your fears? Have you ever asked yourself if you’re worrying enough? Have you ever thought about the slow, crushing weight of the daily embarrassments of living? Well now, there’s a self-help book designed to make sure you’re living your neuroses to the fullest.

Fresh from the success of her last book, Ten Ways to Fuck Up Your Own Life by Doing Absolutely Nothing, celebrated author Anne Ziety has released her follow-up masterpiece If You’re Only Worried, You’re Not Thinking Hard Enough: A Collection of Daily Stresses. Written as an encyclopedia of common stresses, Ziety takes an in-depth look at scenarios we play out in our own heads, and not only validates each one, but explains how they will inevitably destroy our lives and the people around us.

“It’s an important public service, I think,” said Ziety, in an interview with the Other Press. “People often try to do what they think is the ‘healthy’ thing, you know, they tend not to sweat the small stuff, but I really think that’s the wrong approach. I think if you’re worried about something, you should think about it obsessively, really dig deep into how bad it can all go down for you and your loved ones.”

A free excerpt from the Collection can be found online, demonstrating Ziety’s technique:

Worry: I’m not my bestfriend’s best friend. Designation: Valid. Breakdown: You’re not as fun to be with as some of your other friends, and sometimes you overshare when you’ve had a few. This will inevitably cause an irreparable rift between you and your ‘best’ friend, but it’s okay, because when the friendship falls apart, they will not miss you as much as you miss them.

The book doesn’t just cover common social concerns, but larger anxieties as well:

Worry: The sun will throw off a solar flare that will flash-cook the planet and kill us all. Designation: Valid. Breakdown: It could happen at any time, and there’s really nothing any of us can do about it. We would have approximately eight minutes before the flare hits Earth to get our affairs in order and say goodbye to our loved ones. On the upside, it’s unlikely the government would tell us that the flare is coming, so we probably won’t even have those eight minutes anyway. Bonus: While death will be sudden and painful, it will also be mercifully quick.

Ziety has several projects in the works to follow her Collection; a follow-up companion book No Molehills, Only Mountains, and a stage musical she is endeavouring to produce under the working title Panic! The Musical.

“I think at the end of the day, I just want everyone to be as much of a nervous wreck as I am,” said Ziety. “I was always told that it was my duty to share my talents with the world, and my talents mostly involve sitting on my bed and crying about how we as a species are doomed to extinction. It’s a perspective I really think more people should have, if only so I’m not so alone all the time.”

If You’re Only Worried, You’re Not Thinking Hard Enough will be available for online pre-order just in time to fuel your next panic attack.

 

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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