Your Horoscopes

They are yours, and yours alone

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

 

Here at the Other Press, we look to the future. We look to the past. Backstreet’s Back, alright.

 

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY…

Congratulations! You are one year closer to your inevitable death. Happy birthday! J

Illustration by Ed Appleby

Illustration by Ed Appleby

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

Dear Aries: according to a friend of mine, prepare to get rekt scrub (not in a good way). I trust this means you will have a pleasant and productive week.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

Illustration by Ed Appleby

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21)

Nice kangaroo onesie ya got there.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

Illustration by Ed Appleby

GEMINI (May 22 – June 22)

We consulted with the stars and it’s confirmed; the stars have a massive crush on you! They’re wondering if you feel the same but are too shy to ask you out in person. To be fair, the stars are eons old and still live in their mom’s basement, but it’s flattering, isn’t it?

Illustration by Ed Appleby

Illustration by Ed Appleby

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

Yikes.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

Illustration by Ed Appleby

LEO (July – Aug. 23)

If a bird shits on your head it’s a sign of good luck. I suggest seeking out a bird at your earliest convenience, because you will need all the luck you can get this week.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

Illustration by Ed Appleby

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

Imagine being bogged down in homework all week, never to come up for air. I’m not saying that’s going to happen to you. I just think it’s something you should imagine.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

Illustration by Ed Appleby

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

… . _. _.. – _. .._ _.. . …

Illustration by Ed Appleby

Illustration by Ed Appleby

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

As long as it’s an accident it’s not a crime.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

Illustration by Ed Appleby

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

We’re so sorry.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

Illustration by Ed Appleby

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Humour Editor Rebecca Peterson is still accepting cash donations, but will also accept free food and coffee as payment.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

Illustration by Ed Appleby

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

You read the humour section. You see the horoscope section. They’re all so short. So mundane. So asinine. You think the humour editor might be phoning it in. You don’t know for sure. You put the paper aside. You think upon your life thus far. Where are you going, Aquarius? Where have you gone? What have you done? By God, what have you done? They won’t catch you at this point, it’s been far too long, but the guilt remains… the guilt remains with you forever.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

Illustration by Ed Appleby

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)

Split up and look for clues.

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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