Your Horoscopes

Fortunes for the merry merry month of May

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Here at the Other Press, we like to spend elaborate amounts of money on a phony psychic who lives in the office supply closet. Here’s what she’s predicted about your destiny* for this month.

*All destinies come with a 30-day satisfaction guaranteed warranty, though warranty is void if user engages in: lamp rubbing, star wishing, wishing-well contributing, birthday candle blowing, or any and all forms of divine intervention.

IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS THIS MONTH…

If your birthday is on the fourth, we predict that you will suffer a monumental amount of Star Wars jokes thrown your way. If it’s on the fifth, your birthday is likely overshadowed by Cinco de Mayo. If it’s on Mother’s Day and you happen to not be a mother, you should expect to give up your birthday privileges in lieu of appreciating mothers everywhere. If it’s any other day of the month, it’s predicted that you will be abducted by aliens and taken to another planet. Happy birthday!

Illustration by Ed Appleby

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

Aries, May holds many surprises in store for you. Telling you what these surprises will look like, of course, is entirely against the spirit of the whole thing we’re doing here, but we can reveal this to you: Turtles are most definitely involved. Whether we mean the chocolate or the animal is for us to know, and for you to find out.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21)

Taurus, there is an approximate 67 per cent chance that your birthday is this month. If it is, don’t worry—you’re safe from the doom that is likely to befall the other 33 per cent. As for those poor children of April, if you want to avoid the whole “doom” thing, you can bribe the universe to look the other way by sending money to Humour Editor Rebecca Peterson.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

GEMINI (May 22 – June 22)

This month, try to spend some time outdoors! Witness the beauty and endless majesty of nature. Dance in the rain! Hug a tree! Chain yourself to that tree to prevent people from chopping it down to make way for an oil pipeline! Get arrested! Make the third page of the local newspaper for your part in the pipeline protest! Paint with all the colours of the wind!

Illustration by Ed Appleby

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

Our in-house psychic predicts that if you listen to the Duck Tales theme, it will get stuck in your head for at least one (1) week afterwards. Don’t believe us? Give it a try and let us know how it goes!

LEO (July – Aug. 23)

May is the perfect month to start looking into your financial situation, Leo. Try to keep it brief, however—staring at one’s finances is a little like looking directly into the sun. Give it a brief once-over, then try not to think about it for a while. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that all your friends are probably just as broke as you are.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

This month, you will find yourself in a situation that you might not have expected ever to find yourself in. You were, maybe, expecting to find yourself beside it, or hovering slightly above it, but certainly not in it. It just goes to show how wacky and unpredictable life can be.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

Libra, your time has come. That time is a brief two-second window on May 14, at precisely 3:07 p.m. Try not to miss it—the consequences will be unfathomably disastrous if you do.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

Scorpio, this month marks the first month of the rest of your life. June will also be the first month of the rest of your life, as will July, so don’t feel too bad if you don’t make the most of May while it’s here.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

If you listen closely, with all your might, you might catch a brief whisper of the universe telling you the answers to all your questions. We suggest you do your absolute best to ignore it. Your parental figure didn’t raise you to be a cheater, after all, and the universe should know better than to give out all the answers.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

This month is a perfect month to start thinking really hard about what you’re doing with your life, where your choices are taking you, and why you’re still eating Nutella out of the jar at 23 years old like some damned heathen. It’s not good for you, Capricorn, have you seen how much sugar they put in that stuff? It’s actually ridiculous.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

Aquarius, we’re not going to beat around the bush about this—there’s a high possibility that this month is going to be incredibly average. Like, really, completely, and totally normal, with no surprises whatsoever. Whether this is a comfort or not is up to you, and how much you enjoy mediocrity.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)

This month will bring you luck! Good luck? Bad luck? Neutral luck? Who knows! But luck is certainly on its way to you in one form or another.