Horse love and tenderness
This just in: Horses are no longer funny
By Klara Woldenga, Entertainment Editor
For thousands of years, horses have been extremely popular—first as methods of transportation, then as memes. Unfortunately, according to experts, their time in the limelight is nearing an end. In a recent scientific paper titled Horses Hay Hay, Soon No Way, horse scientists discuss recent evidence suggesting that these awkward, hoof-y creatures may become a blasé topic as early as 2019.
“It’s been a long time coming,” head horse scientist, Dave Franklin, told the Other Press. “Emissions are hitting an all-time high and self-driving cars are a thing. Personal vehicles are next in line to become ironic, and when that happens it’ll push those weird hooved grass-eaters out of the ‘in scene.’ Goddamn horses.”
According to the paper, it’s not just emissions and travel that show the decline of horses. Their research demonstrates that television and popular culture have given us a fair amount of warning to the decline of horse popularity.
“I mean, look at the television show BoJack Horseman,” Franklin said. “Horses aren’t funny anymore. They’re just alcoholics.”
The recently published paper has had mixed reactions: Some demand we save horse humour, others are glad it’s over, and still others think those animals taste good either way.
“I don’t know, I’m just glad horses are no longer going to be a joke,” said Joan Fassen, long-time horse owner. “I’ll be glad when mine stops being such a celebrity and finally has more time for his kids—their hooves are so small.”
With the death of horse humour close at hand, scientists are suggesting citizens prepare ahead of time so as not to develop Horse Withdrawal Syndrome, an illness caused by a sudden lack of horse humour and memes which leaves the human body weak and frail, like a big old horse.
“We advise citizens to start early,” Franklin told the Other Press. “Don’t share the horse ebook meme, don’t go on ironic hay rides; it’s for your own safely. Horses are the worst, so it shouldn’t be that hard.”
When Franklin was asked why he spent all his life studying horses if he hated them he simply answered: “Know thine enemy.”
When the Other Press asked several horses how they felt about the report they just responded by licking our reporters, suggesting that horses, like most of us, just want salt.
