Local New Tortellini Factory attacked by radical Pastafarians
By Chandler Walter, Distribution Manager
Havoc erupted late last Monday evening at New Westminster’s favourite noodle restaurant, as radicalized Pastafarians demanded respect for their religion.
Two suspects, a male and a female, entered the New Tortellini Factory at roughly 3:30 p.m. and promptly began causing mayhem, leaving many at the scene outraged and traumatized.
“It was like a horror movie,” witness Jessica Evans told us shortly after the event occurred. “I was just trying to enjoy my plate of linguini, and then those two maniacs walked in and began shouting about their religious beliefs. I was lucky to escape with my leftovers.”
The two Pastafarians in question were evidently outraged when they saw people enjoying entrées of an un-noodly variety, and demanded retribution for their delicious creator.
“This is a building of worship! That which you eat is the body of our saviour, and all be damned who reject His Holy sauciness,” the male suspect was heard yelling at the start of the ordeal. After that, he smashed the plates of an elderly couple that had been dining on steak and potatoes. “It is the nourishment of the damned,” he screamed in their faces, shortly before the majority of the customers began fleeing the scene.
Authorities arrived promptly and encircled the area, blocking off traffic for two city blocks and advising all pedestrians to stay at a distance.
“There’s really no telling what radicalized religious folks like these will do when their beliefs are questioned,” said police chief Joshua Danniellis. “But we do not negotiate with terrorists. We’ll have to hold tight and let the higher ups figure this all out.”
The encirclement lasted long into the night, during which time a candlelit vigil was held on the streets surrounding the restaurant, in memory of the elderly couple’s destroyed dinners.
Local Pastafarians expressed their outrage and shock at those who would commit such crimes under the name of their religion. Shortly after the incident occurred, the Church of the Spaghetti Monster released a statement to the press: “We want people everywhere to know that this is not the Pastafarian way. We love and accept foods of all types, and in no way would discriminate against those who do not hold similar religious beliefs regarding breakfast, lunch, or even dinner. We reject the actions of the two people in question, as the only dogma allowed in the Church of the Spaghetti Monster is the rejection of dogma.”
Later that night, the military arrived and stormed the New Tortellini factory to apprehend the suspects. It has been reported that an estimated 13 dinners went cold, with three tables, 12 chairs, and four forks being destroyed in the confrontation: the staggering price of a Pastafarian insurgence.