City on verge of collapse as sun terrorizes citizens
By Greg Waldock, Staff Writer
Vancouver fell under a blanket of panic last week as the sun shone several days in a row, completely unobscured by clouds. This unnatural phenomenon has left residents filled with anxiety and fear for the future. Without endless rain and overcast skies to complain about, social circles have simply collapsed, weather reporters have been left speechless, and the basic rules of Vancouver conversational etiquette are now rendered completely useless.
Meghan Chan, a Point Grey leader of a local book club, talked with the Other Press’ field reporters.
“We’ve only had one club meeting since the sun started,” she said. “We just sat around with nothing to make small talk about. One by one, we tried complaining about the weather like usual, but the bright light outside reminded us that there wasn’t the perpetual greyness that we normally hate. We were scared.”
The book club fell apart a few days later.
Weather reporting has also found itself in a tough place as Brad McChinsley, the most-watched weather reporter in Vancouver, was forced to admit on-air that Metro Vancouver and the rest of the Lower Mainland were in for several days of nice weather. By the third day of beautiful sunshine and cool spring breezes, McChinsley was in tears and noticeably shaking.
“I’m sorry to say that we’re entering another period of warmth and brightness,” he told viewers, dabbing at the corner of his eyes. “There’s nothing we can do except actually go outside and enjoy the fresh air. I don’t know when the pleasantness will end. I’m sorry, everyone.”
McChinsley hasn’t been on-air since, though he was photographed glaring at the clear blue sky downtown.
The Vancouver Police Department has had to remind Vancouver citizens that there are many other things to complain about. “Housing is still dangerously expensive,” said the VPD on their Twitter account. “The opioid crisis is still going strong. Surrey is still planning the Light Rail Transit system. There’s plenty to complain about, don’t let the green grass and warm sun get you down.”
They also reminded us that eventually the dull grey overcast will return, and Vancouverites can go back to being bitter about things that don’t matter and are completely outside of human control.
“The real problems will be easy to ignore again soon enough,” they tweeted.
This reporter would like to express his support for Vancouverites in this difficult time. The good weather may make you want to smile more—be careful, our faces aren’t used to it. Being in a good mood for days at a time can’t be healthy.