Depression meals: Tis the season for fighting your family

HUMOUR_cookies_preview

Reindeer sugar cookie recipe

By Mercedes Deutscher, Social Media Coordinator

 

Ingredients:

One package of Pillsbury Shaped Reindeer Sugar Cookies

Eggnog

Rum

 

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Feel a wave of accomplishment come over you as you open the box of cookies and only eat two of them raw. Sure, you meant to make homemade cookies for your family’s holiday gathering, but at least this isn’t like last year where you made nothing.

Place remaining cookies on a cookie sheet and place in oven. Set your timer for 10–12 minutes.

Try to give yourself some festive cheer while the cookies bake. Pour eggnog and rum into your everyday mugs. They’re Christmas mugs, but you use them all year because that was what was given to you when you moved out and you don’t have the motivation to go buy new ones. Make sure your eggnog-to-rum ratio is at least one part eggnog to four parts rum. Chug that whole thing as fast as you can. Repeat.

Prep the only large Tupperware container you have. Line the bottom with paper towel. Or don’t. I don’t care.

Take cookies out of the oven when timer goes off. Let cool for five minutes.

Eat two cookies. They’re so good fresh out of the oven. Eat another one for good measure.

Place cookies in Tupperware container. Leave for your family dinner.

Walk in the door of your mother’s place to find your sister fighting with your racist uncle. Instead of standing up and saying something, walk to the booze counter and make yourself another rum and eggnog.

Sit on the couch while dinner is being made and avoid socializing. Everyone but you brought homemade treats. Since nobody else is eating your cookies, eat six more.

Keep drinking in silence. Sit down for dinner and shove turkey into your face.

When your mother asks how school is going, nod politely and say “Fine.” Make sure not to tell her that you dropped out weeks ago.

Keep dodging pushy questions from your father.

Start crying when he accuses you of being a good-for-nothing liar. Go into fetal position under the table.

Congrats, you’ve just made this dinner awkward for everyone.

Go home and cry yourself to sleep. Repeat next year.

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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