By Cazzy Lewchuk, Master Liar
Things may get your goat today. A stray goat that wandered into the building will headbutt you while being chased by security. Take it in stride. You may also feel very horny. Take yourself in hand.
This is the dawning of your age. Harmony, understanding, sympathy, and trust: these are the demons you must slay. Fake kindness, and keep your evil inside. Bring your friends water, laced with cyanide. Remember your mind’s true liberation. This is your age.
You make me sick, just sitting around and flopping with your mouth open and close. All you do is go with the flow. If you cover up your skin (more like scales) you’ll be lucky to get a job after college sitting on the wall of a sports bar singing country songs.
You see yourself as the alpha among the rest of the student “sheeple.” Look in the mirror. See that face? That’s the sign of a true leader. Stick with your studies, and you could be the next Genghis, Kim, Fidel, or even Joseph.
It’s time to take the bull by the horns. This should be easy, as you already live nothing but bull every day. All you do is sit around drinking Red Bull and bullshitting with your friends and profs. Want to control your life? Quit shooting the bull and get out of the pen. Also, be less subtle.
Today you will run into your long lost twin. You’ll finally understand how repulsive you are to other people, but you can make mischief together and you’ll only have to attend half of your classes. You will also step on a chewed wad of Dubble Bubble.
Feeling crabby? Move out to someplace in the tropics. It won’t make you less crabby, but nobody will have to deal with you anymore, and you can yell at the locals to get you another piña colada.
Today your father will be killed by your uncle, who will then try to take your pride. You’ll hang out with your stoner friends, then have romantic sex to Elton John.
Your love life will soon improve. It will be a fresh hot apple pie… a full tub of Vaseline… A fresh battery can put the buzz back into any relationship.
Your diet isn’t working. Neither will any of the others you’ll try. Buying bigger sweatpants will only work until next week. Stomach stapling is an option, but make sure you put your prof’s stapler back afterwards.
You will be slaughtered by a giant arachnid. Your carcass will rot in a closet in Room 1020.
Today is a good day to play the William Tell overture while balancing an apple on your friend’s head and practicing your archery skills. You could be the next Katniss Everdeen!