Flat-Earthers emerge from their homes for a single night
By Katie Czenczek, Round-Earther
Last Wednesday, Vancouver held a very flat (and dull) conference at HR MacMillan Space Centre, which was full of hard and round scientific fact versus paper thin theories. A hundred or so people were in attendance from all over, and finally felt comfortable admitting one of their deepest, darkest secrets: Their loyalty to the Flat Earth Society.
Held in Vancouver, the pointed city beat Edmonton to the punch. Edmonton had placed a bid for the conference, but ultimately failed to do so because the whole point of the conference was to draw in a fresh audience—everyone in Edmonton already knows that their city is flat.
The one-hit wonder artist B.O.B.—made famous for his song “Airplanes” in 2010—was in attendance at the Vancouver flat-Earthers conference. When asked if he’s ever actually been on an airplane and looked out the window, he said, “Yeah.”
However, he went on to say that the windows in airplanes aren’t actually windows, stating, “Who says that the windows are actually, well, windows, you know? I believe the government has put up photos to cover up every single window on every single plane. We don’t know how high up this goes, maybe not even Neil DeGrasse Tyson knows.”
Thelma Stevens, a flat-Earther whose name has been altered for her protection, said in an exclusive interview with the Other Press, “I always imagined life to be like that Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show sketch where an artist is painting us all onto a piece of paper. That makes a lot more sense to me than being on an orbiting sphere floating through space which, by the way, is apparently endless. Tell me that doesn’t sound crazy to you.”
The conference started out as a friendly debate between Sphere-Heads and Flatsos, but that changed when Ancient Greeks rose out of the Underworld to remind everyone that yes, the Earth is round, and threatened anyone who said otherwise at spear point.
Collectively, they said, “The human race is still debating this? Don’t you guys have anything better to do?”
Flat Earth believers, however, viewed the Greeks’ attendance as intrusive and exactly the kind of thing that non-believers would do to protect their lie.
“Do people seriously believe that the Ancient Greeks rose out of the Underworld for this, but they refuse to even entertain the fact that the Earth is flat?” says Jason Tsu, who witnessed the Ancient Greeks emerging from the depths of the ground. “People will believe just about everything, even when hard facts are staring them straight in the face.”
Armand Newton, a Vancouverite who checked out the convention, was seriously confused.
“I mean, I can understand it if you live more inland, but you can see the curved horizon from the beach where the convention was held. Plus, there are satellite images all over the space centre that no one bothered to cover up for the event.”
Pythagoras, the man who hypothesized a circular Earth in 500 BCE, was shocked and hurt that people were still disregarding his work.
“This is all because of my cousin Gary. He always spread bullshit like this to undermine my findings, and I can’t believe his rumour is still around today. All because I told him that he had a giant noggin once when we were kids.”
Flat Stanley was in attendance, saying “well, it’d just make my life so much easier if the Earth is flat. I mean, I’m basically a 2-D boy living in a 3-D world.”