Many alarmed by the swimming male
By Chandler Walter, Assistant Editor
There was much alarm early last Sunday, as a slightly overweight male attempted to keep his shirt on while swimming at the local pool.
Authorities say that they were alerted by other pool-goers, who were concerned about the safety of those around them, and the implications that the shirt-wearing may have.
“I just don’t get why he can’t dress normally to go to the pool, like everyone else,” said James Ramos, a young man who appeared to have an unfairly fast metabolism. “I just think it is really important that we, as a society, make sure to concern ourselves with the way that certain people want to dress.”
Ramos said that he was shocked and appalled upon seeing the t-shirted male, and made sure to call 9-1-1 immediately.
“Honestly, right after I dialed I realized that it was kind of going too far to actually call the cops because of what someone is wearing, but then they started asking what happened, and what do you know? The police will actually come out for something like this. Isn’t that rad?” asked Ramos.
A squadron of police officers arrived at the pool a mere five minutes after the call went out, and they demanded that the shirted male remove his clothing, or remove himself from the pool. The male in question—who asked to remain anonymous—refused to budge, and the police had no choice but to call in reinforcements.
Shortly after the SWAT team, the reporters, and the mayor arrived to get a handle on the situation, the pool was deemed a quarantined zone, and all parties were stuck inside Coquitlam’s Splash N’ Fun wave pool until a higher authority could arrive.
By the time the Fashion Police showed up on scene, the t-shirted male had showered, changed into his regular clothes, and was idly eating a bag of chips. The large group that had gathered disbanded shortly there-after, as most people realized that there really was nothing all that important about what was going on in the first place, and that they were all kind of silly for making it into such a big thing.
One woman, however, decided to stay until she had had her say to reporters. “I saw him wearing that shirt into the pool, and I said nuh-uh, there is no way I’m letting that fly,” said Janice Kromsley, mother of two. “It’s a real slippery slope, isn’t it? We let one guy wear a shirt into a pool and next thing you know, people will be covering their whole bodies when they go swimming! It’s just an outrage.” Kromsley went on for another few hours, up until she saw a leaf that she didn’t like the shape of and began verbally abusing it, instead.