Large Hadron Collider discovers Satan particle

Humour_Satan_preview

Hunt for God Particle continues

By Duncan Fingarson, Contributor

 

The research team in charge of CERN’s Large Hadron Collider announced today that they have made an important discovery. While searching for the ever-elusive “God particle,” the researchers have instead come across its polar opposite. The Satan particle, or “Lucifron” as it has been named by the team that discovered it, is now thought to be spontaneously generated whenever an act of evil occurs.

“It’s sort of like turning on a stove,” explained head researcher Dr. Seymour “Sy” Entist. “When you light the burner it heats up your food, but it also throws off a lot of excess light and heat. Well, whenever you do something morally wrong, it’s the same thing. A lot of excess Lucifrons are generated by the act, and those go shooting off in every direction. It’s very exciting, really.”

The team has already opened up a division dedicated to studying Lucifron. The new Evilnomics department is now hard at work constructing a device to detect Lucifrons outside of a laboratory environment. Their first act, however, was to come up with a unit of measurement for the new particle.

“We settled on ‘Hitlers,'” Dr. Entist said. “Every thousand Lucifrons equals one Hitler. It uses the metric convention for names, so you can have KiloHitlers, GigaHitlers, even TeraHitlers if you do something really bad. None of that Fahrenheit nonsense, we want nice reasonable units here.”

Dr. Entist refused to comment when asked if this was just an excuse to use the term GigaHitler.

This discovery, of course, promises to provide answers to a lot of life’s philosophical questions. Once the new detector is completed, it will provide an easily portable way to determine where something evil happened, and just how evil it was.

“We’ll be able to quantify moral decisions in whole new ways,” said Phillip Ossifer, the Evilnomics department’s new Director of Alignment. “Gone will be the days of wondering whether or not you did the right thing. If we can make this thing small enough, you might be able to wear it as a wristwatch, or get it as an app. Then you’ll know when you should feel bad about what you just did and, more importantly, whether or not you should judge other people for what they just did. This will revolutionize the way we look at morality.”

The LHC team will also continue their work to find the God particle. “We’re sure it’s out there,” Dr. Entist said. “We’ve found the Satan particle, and that’s a big step, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to stop our other research.”

The God particle will hopefully turn up sometime around Christmas, when it is predicted to be at its strongest and most detectable.

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The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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