A new year means a new you
By Mercedes Deutscher, Staff Writer
While wanting to spend more time with loved ones, aiming to lose weight, or spending less money over the new year may be on top of your list of resolutions, you may have forgotten some important ones…
Balance your chequebook. Part of being a responsible adult requires balancing your finances. Try balancing your chequebook on your nose, on your TV, or on your morning coffee. Bonus points if you balance it on the tip of a pencil.
Eat well. Eat well and you will be joyous and fulfilled. Dump stuff that you don’t want. After all, no good story begins with a salad. Who needs carrots sticks when you could eat a Costco-sized bag of chips all by yourself? Why eat at some organic place on Commercial Drive when you could just as easily stuff yourself with Denny’s?
Watch your gambling. If you are known to blow a lot of money at the casino, there is only one thing that will help. Find a luckier casino. Winners never quit!
Be more sentimental. Take some time to look back at where you came from. Remember your first high school crush and how they rejected you, and now they’re getting married? Or the time you went to a movie by yourself because all of your “friends” were “busy”? This resolution pairs well with a bucket of ice cream and Kleenex.
Finish a ChapStick. Be the most accomplished of your peers. Have they ever finished a ChapStick?
Be creative. Being creative can open several opportunities. Your boss has heard “I’m sick” hundreds of times and they may not buy it. Try new excuses like “there’s a bear in my yard,” or “I was in a car accident. All of the passengers were killed and I am in a coma.”
Be more sociable.Yes. Actually put on pants. Okay, never mind. That’s what Facebook is for.
Get down to business. To defeat the Huns. In order to complete this resolution, you must be swift as a coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon.
Learn something new.Like how to use the remote control with your foot, knit a Snuggie, or overthrow the government.
Be more environmentally friendly. Leave the car keys at home and opt into public transit. After all, the SkyTrain works every four out of five times.