The pizza you didn’t know you needed
By Mercedes Deutscher, Staff Writer
You walk into a room. She’s sitting there, on the table. Crust so soft and tomato sauce so fresh, you’d think the jar was just plucked off of the tree. That’s where tomato sauce comes from, right?
You gaze upon her. She is perfect.
She is cheese stuffed. Under her sexy covering of cheese, you notice she is wearing bacon underneath. Not just any bacon—oh no. This bacon is tightly wrapped in a lattice pattern, protecting a layer of ground beef. Not your cheeseburger ground beef. This is ground beef that has been seasoned in taco seasoning. Mixed with her delectable taco beef is caramelized onions.
Beside her is her pretty little friend. She has no tomato sauce, but is instead a rare form of Chinese-food pizza. Her thin crust is ticked with chow mein and her base is sweet-and-sour sauce. She is topped with sweet-and-sour pork, egg rolls, and the slightest hint of soya sauce.
Over in the corner, you see even more delectable pizzas. She is southern on every sense of the word. She is a pizza pie, with some oven-roasted potatoes and some fried chicken. Not greasy fried chicken—this is a pizza of virtue. Perfectly crispy and dry.
Then there is the nerdy one from the Internet. She has no typical crust. She is not only cheese stuffed, but that cheese is crusted in Doritos. In true Internet fashion, she is topped with layers of bacon and cheese and more bacon strips and bacon strips and bacon strips and bacon. Did I mention bacon? She comes with an entire two-litre bottle of Mountain Dew.
Lastly, there is the Legendary. You thought she was only a myth, that she didn’t exist. You have searched far and wide for her for years, never sensing anything more than a trace. She is beautiful. It’s like she is part cake, part pizza. She is layer upon layer of pizza. There are easily eleven whole pizzas stacked all in a tower, sharing the created cheese crust to even live. Each layer of her tells a different flavour—erm, story. One bite, and she’s like pepperoni, another bite, and she is the greatest vegetarian to ever live.
She will keep you fed the rest of your days, and you know that surely you will never find another pizza like her. She is perfect. She is the pizza you didn’t know you needed.