The Game of Names

Rash of unpronounceable baby names linked to fantasy name generator

By Ed Appleby, Illustrator

It is a question that has been on the mind of most anthropologists for the last few years. Why are names like Peter, Jessica, and Bobby being passed over for the likes of Taylin, Kolbie, and Rashzel? Apparently, noted anthropologist Dr. Watts Izname thinks he may have found the answer.

“It was a very interesting conundrum,” Dr. Izname informed the Other Press in an interview. “Classical naming conventions of the past few decades have attempted to stay within familial or cultural traditions. With the recent proliferation of pop culture as part of the mainstream media, there have been many children named after characters in film and television. For example, in 2008 we had an upswing of children named Jacob and Edward during the height of the Twilight franchise, or the recent popularity of names such as Arya, Tyrion or Khaleesi from Game of Thrones.”

It was pointed out at this point in the interview that “Khaleesi” is a title, not a name.

“I know, right? People are such idiots,” Dr. Izname exclaimed. “And now they’re just making up nonsensical jumbles of letters that might sound like some kind of name if you tried to pronounce it with a mouth full of hazelnuts.”

Bunny Muffington—new mother and basic white girl—had a different opinion.

“I think creativity is very important when naming your child. Everyone has such boring names and my daughter is her own special flower who needs a name that is hers alone.”

Muffington was then asked how she comes up with her children’s unique names.

“Oh, I’m not that creative. I just go to UniqueNames.com like all of my friends do.”

Looking into the website and talking to a few other new mothers, the Other Press discovered that many of them have been using UniqueNames.com. We contacted the host of the site to ask him how he felt about being the premier source for baby names in 2017. The host has asked to remain anonymous, but gave the following statement:

“What!?!” Are you crazy? This site is for generating fantasy names for novels and roleplaying games. People are using this to name their kids? What the fuck?”

Ms. Muffington isn’t swayed by this. “I don’t really care where the names came from. All that matters is that my beautiful twins ‘Krymsin’ and ‘Xantos the destroyer’ have names as unique and wonderful as they are.”