Decades after the triumph of Laura Melley, the paper has fallen into chaos once more
By Mike LeMike, Humour Contributor
The office of the Other Press has become a war zone once again, with no end in sight as the battle rages on.
“There’s a time for peace, and a time for not peace,” previous Assistant Editor and current Fifth battalion leader Chandler Walter was overheard saying Monday afternoon. “This is a time for throwing things at people until they fall in line, and I for one am ready and prepared to do just that.”
The conflict started when current Editor in Chief Lauren Kelly (who was hired largely for her resemblance to Other Press hero Laura Melley, as well as her extensive grammatical prowess—but really, the Laura Melley thing was way more important) announced she was stepping down.
“I mean, it wasn’t meant to be a surprise or anything,” said Kelly, fighting to be heard over the sound of battle. “Editors-in-Chiefs are only supposed to take the post for a year… honestly, it would have been way more of a plot twist if I decided not to go. I don’t know what happened.”
Moments after announcing her imminent departure, sources say a member of the paper—currently theorized to be Humour Editor Rebecca Peterson, who was last seen holed up in a sniper nest built from stacks of Other Press back copies and strategically balanced bookshelves—shouted “Power vacuum! It’s The Purge!” and proceeded to flip over a table, sparking what has now become an all-out war between coworkers and friends.
As it stands right now, missives from Staff Reporter-turned-War Correspondent Aaron Guillen suggest that the News, Opinions, and Sports Editors (Mercedes Deutscher, Cazzy Lewchuk, and Davie Wong respectively) have formed a commando hit squad and have claimed the office couch as their territory. Arts Editor Caroline Ho has apparently been valiantly shielding the production team from errant airborne missiles while they struggle to get the paper printed and distributed on time. Life and Style Editor Brittney MacDonald has been largely left untouched by the conflict; a single unconscious Staff Writer at her feet serving as a testament to her fighting skills as well as effectively warding off further attempts to draw her in to combat.
Meanwhile, Fifth battalion leader Chandler Walter has been leading the remaining Staff Writers and contributors to victory, presumably, though what that victory will look like is unclear.
“Quite honestly, we’re not really sure what’s going on here,” said Staff Writer—now Lance Corporal—Jessica Berget, in a whispered statement through the office door. “No one knows what our positions are anymore, or what we’re fighting for… Chandler keeps making really empowering speeches and Rebecca keeps throwing badly made paper airplanes at people. Greg’s on the floor somewhere, Carlos is putting together a ‘Civil War’ playlist, apparently, Jony’s trying to figure out who’s getting the most social media hits, and Ed’s just sketching the whole thing and laughing his head off. Honestly I have no idea what the paper is going to look like after all of this, or who’s going to be doing what.”