Email alerts sent out in case someone forgot Twitter’s special day
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Last week, everyone’s favourite social media platform, Twitter, celebrated its 10th birthday, and it made sure that everyone knew just how special and important that day was.
“We just needed to make sure that everyone was aware that it was a day all about us,” said Twitter CEO Jon Henry. “I mean, we don’t expect everyone to get us presents or anything, but at least to tweet at us a happy birthday would be expected. It is our day, after all.”
Twitter spent the day sending out mass emails to its users, as well as tweeted about it nonstop throughout the day with tweets like “omg it’s my birthday!!! Today’s my day! Yay me!” and “wow, @Facebook, don’t bother wishing me a happy birthday I guess…. #thatscool.”
Henry said that the campaign was in reaction to last year’s birthday, when only a handful of Twitter’s followers wished them well, and no one really made it as big a deal as it should have been.
“It was like no one even knew how important the day was,” Henry said, “and we really think that it is a day that everyone should be celebrating, whether you have Twitter or not. We even tried to make it an international holiday, but the request is still being processed.”
As it is their 10th, and most important, birthday, Twitter has decided to celebrate its birthday for an entire week, and has yet to stop alerting everyone about how important it is that they are given attention.
It appears that nearly three quarters of Twitter users have been blocked by Twitter’s official account, as they “didn’t wish us a happy birthday fast enough.” Henry said that he is not mad at the people who wouldn’t acknowledge the importance of the week, only that he is disappointed, and that those people can all “burn in hell.”
Twitter also made sure to add floating balloons graphics to everyone’s Twitter feed, a distraction that would only go away once @twitter was visited and a nice, heartfelt birthday message was sent.
It is reported that the entirety of Twitter’s company staff spent the evening getting too drunk, wearing “birthday bitch” sashes, and ending the night crying for reasons that were unknown even to them.