Helium company fires balloon manager
By Livia Turnbull, Humour Editor
A strange sight beheld many fine folks who were enjoying some pre-winter weather. In the grey skies, witnesses reported seeing 99 red balloons float by without any context.
“It was really surreal,” says local resident Mark Dangart. “It looked like a TV commercial or something. Condom commercials have sure gotten weirder these days.”
However, some residents seem to be concerned. “I saw them fly by and I thought that Rob Ford was up to something yet again. I bet he’s going to pretend to be a float to get into the Santa Claus parade,” said Sally Thompson.
While that seems like a very amusing idea, Ford still refuses to talk about his weight problem. He did deny setting the red balloons free, but he also made a rather graphic analogy about loving his wife every day of the week. The Other Press refuses to publish that quote out of second-hand embarrassment for Toronto’s citizens.
The blog entitled “Will the Communists Win?” posted something rather alarming: “Panic, lads, it’s a red alert. There’s something here from somewhere else. I knew that Russia would wait until now to launch all its nuclear weapons against the countries who support gay rights. Were [sic] doomed.”
Recently, a local helium company claims that their ex-balloon manager accidentally left the skylight open after the 99 red balloons were made. They promised never to install skylights in their roofs again.