Your Horoscopes

Written by me, and not by you

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

 

Here at the Other Press, we’re constantly questioning our futures. That’s why we blow $10,000 of your tuition money every week to keep our in-house psychic on retainer. Here’s what she has to say about your impending doom (“doom” meaning “fate,” not necessarily an indication of “how doomed you are,” though the answer to that is “extremely” if you really wanted to know).

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY…

Congratulations! You are one year closer to your inevitable death. Happy birthday! J

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

Aries, due to the alignment of the planets this week, you may find yourself craving strange things: Pickles, Kalamata olives, the destruction of capitalism, lime cheesecake. Treat yourself by sating at least one of these cravings, and maybe make a post on Instagram about it! Connectivity is crucial right now.

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21)

You may find yourself feeling withdrawn this week. This is due to the effect your sentient shadow is having upon your energy levels. You must be stricter with it! Tell it to keep the nighttime partying to a minimum. You’ll feel much better once you put your foot down.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 22)

All of your endeavours will succeed this week! Or fail. Or do all right. It really depends on how much effort you put into things. That’s just kind of how life works. Just know that if everything goes poorly and you accidentally kick off the nuclear holocaust, you tried your best, and that’s what matters.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

Your future is looking bright! Very bright. Enormously, blindingly bright. Hold on a sec—yep, our psychic was looking too far into the future, after the sun has expanded to consume our world and the entirety of human history with it. In light of this, it’s hard to think of anything else. Maybe have a hot chocolate to warm your cold and frightened heart.

LEO (July – Aug. 23)

Has anyone ever told you that your eyes look particularly eye-like? It’s something to think about. Your eyes just do a really fantastic job of looking like eyes, and we think that’s beautiful.

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

Go drink a glass of water. You’re dehydrated.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

You may have heard that you can do anything you want when you grow up! That actually has some limitations, though. Please put the cape away. It will not grant you the power of flight. No, you cannot be Superman. He was an alien. Are you an alien? If so, I suggest you stay away from anyone whose birthday it is this week.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

That dream you had a few nights ago? The one that is sticking with you still? It was not a dream. It was an alternate reality that has no bearing on this one. This might be a comfort to you, or a disappointment, depending on what the dream was.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Tell your friends.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

This week is looking far less stressful than last week for you, Capricorn! Just don’t forget to write up your seven pages for that group assignment due on the 30th, and remember to call the doctor to get your prescription filled. Oh, also, you meant to start watching Into the Badlands but you keep forgetting the name of it, so we’re writing it here for you, so you don’t forget. Also, your sister’s birthday is coming up, so you should probably start looking for a gift. Finally, Humour Editor Rebecca Peterson is still accepting cash donations. Please email her if you have questions or, preferably, money.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

The alignment of the sun reveals to us that throughout the next week you will experience periods of darkness and light, about twelve hours of each. We suggest you sleep when it’s dark and go about your business In The Light.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)

You have the bad luck of being last on the list, which means we often have no idea what to do for you. Just thought you ought to know.