Dear Canada

Illustration by Cara Seccafien

Illustration by Cara Seccafien

Watch those who aren’t who they seem

By A Concerned Citizen

 

Now, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but Prime Minister Justin Trudeau seems to be super… two-faced.

Look, I know I sound crazy, but I’m beginning to notice a pattern. At first, he starts off really cool and like the kind of guy that you’d totally introduce to your parents. He just has such a charming smile and acts as if he really wants to change things around here, and don’t even get me started on his charisma; all of the other countries were so jealous that you were able to take him home.

I mean, he seemed so perfect… at the time. Though, anything could beat your lousy ex-boyfriend given his obsession with the Middle East, and his cold, lifeless eyes.

As time goes on, though, I think Trudeau’s true colours are starting to show. He avoids your calls and spends all his time taking the perfect and totally-not-preordained photo bombs at graduations—without you. He hasn’t even mentioned when he’s going to start looking into the Missing and Murdered Indigenous women cases, even though he promised that he’d do that ages ago.

He’s also just always trying to impress other countries around him—you remember the India incident, right? You were so embarrassed after, and he just smiled away; like he always does.

I get that he’s way better to have than US’s boyfriend, but is that really saying all that much? At least you know exactly where his head is all the time, but with Trudeau it’s all “I care about the environment” one minute and then the next he’s decided to buy the pipeline—with your money, I might add. Just like TLC, it’s time to say, “I don’t want no scrubs.”

Before you give him the axe though, I wanted to warn you that it might not be his fault. I know you didn’t want me to do this, but I did some digging. I think that he’s lying about when he was really born. All the signs point to it—flip-floppy behaviour, befriending literally everyone he comes into contact with despite passionately talking shit about them only moments before, the restlessness—Justin Trudeau is a Gemini.

Trust me, I didn’t want to believe it either. He just displays all of the symptoms characteristic of May 21 to June 20 babies. I’m afraid that there’s no stopping a Taurus rising in Gemini. With the stubbornness of an ox paired with the flightiness of the twins, you’re set for a rocky relationship. At least there’s still hope for you though, come next election.

Signed,

Totally not a paid advertisement by the Conservative government.

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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