Pringles CEO upset customers are able to stop after they pop
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
Joe Bryan, the CEO of Pringles, was publicly shamed on Twitter last night after posting a one-minute video admitting to participating in illegal activity.
The short video showed Bryan in his 12-bedroom home, tearfully admitting to the camera that, over the past two years, he has been buying customer data illegally from underground sources, along with paying people to hack into over a million computers, webcams, and smartphone cameras. The video quickly went viral. In just two hours it gained over 300,000 views, 5,000 YouTube reaction videos, and 2,000 YouTube reaction videos about the other YouTube reaction videos. He also confessed that he hired 100 unpaid interns to complete the task of hacking in order to discover who was purchasing Pringles, and to “see if they ‘stopped after they popped,’ you know, like our slogan.”
“I told the interns that it was for exposure—but not their exposure, the customer’s,” he said in the video. “To expose them, you know. Get it?”
To Bryan’s dismay, the data showed that over three quarters of customers were able to stop eating the Pringles before consuming the entire package, regardless of what flavour they had purchased.
“I am so disappointed to see that people could stop eating before they finished the entire tube,” said Bryan in the video. “I mean, our slogan is ‘Once you pop you just can’t stop.’ That’s not advertising, that’s an order. I gave the public implicit instructions, and those orders were blatantly disobeyed.”
“I can’t believe Joe would disrespect potatoes like that,” said Ryan Colger, local potato farmer. “Potatoes are God’s gift to the world, and not to be manipulated.”
When Colger was asked if he knew about GMO’s or McDonald’s, he threw potatoes at our reporter and asked them to leave the premises.
Media experts have deduced that Bryan was, in fact, intoxicated while filming the video, and have stated as proof Bryan’s statement during the video, “I’m totally pretty drunk right now.” Despite the controversy that his video has stirred, Bryan is sticking by his actions.
“What we did, we did for the customer,” said Bryan in a response video posted this morning. “I don’t know why all of my followers and customers freaked out at me. Take a chill pill, everyone. You know what’s really relaxing? Eating an entire tube of pizza-flavoured Pringles. Gets me to calm down every time.”