Nations band together to create Amazon stump sanctuary

Illustration by Max Foss

Illustration by Max Foss

‘We have finally created a project we can all get behind’

By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
Columbia, Peru, and China have joined forces to protect a large portion of the Amazon rainforest by turning it into a stump sanctuary.

“After years of heated debates and arguments, we have finally come to a decision that is beneficial to everyone,” stated Joan Acrida, head of “Project Stump.” “We really think this project was worth all the time and money we put into it. It’s just too bad we didn’t put more effort into trying to make up a better name.”

The Amazon rainforest covers much of northwestern Brazil and extends into Colombia, Peru, and other South American countries. Project Stump will get rid of most of that and, in its place, create a safer, more family-friendly environment in the hopes of drawing in more tourism.

“Something we hear over and over is that the Amazon rainforest is ‘unsafe,’ and no one wants to go in there because of all the ‘dangerous bite-y things.’ Well, we hope by clearing all that weird stuff out we can make something everyone can really enjoy—I mean, who doesn’t like stumps? They’re safe, easy, and fun for the whole family!”

Jackson Errik, head of the world’s largest paper company, “Leaf it to Us,” is reported to also be in support of this project, stating that “I believe a stump sanctuary is the best thing that can happen to that rainforest. The Amazon is filled with weird animals and environments I do not understand, nor do I care to learn about. It’s all super gross.” Errik has generously offered his tree removal and processing services to the project free of charge, stating that he will do anything to “make the project move faster.”

A concrete timeline for Project Stump is still being made, but the team is confident that the project will be done in two to five years. “You’d be surprised how easy it is to chop trees down and drive animals out of areas,” said Acrida. “Animals are dumb; all you need are a bunch of loud machines and they’re out of there.”

Despite the vast benefits this sanctuary offers, some environmentalists state that it’s still not enough.

“How do we know the Amazon stumps will actually be safe from loggers?” asked environmentalist, Alice Jackson. “They say they’re protected now, but will it actually be protected hundreds of years down the line? I think we should demand that they create a law promising the protection of these stumps for a thousand years.”

Although confused by the demand, Acrida has promised members of the concerned public that they will create a law promising the permanent safety of the stumps. “Whatever the public wants, really, it doesn’t matter to us. Stumps are stumps.”

The public signing of the contract will take place at the end of the month.

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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