Threats of nuclear annihilation aside, everything seems pretty chill
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
The unthinkable has happened, and the verdict is in—we’ve entered a new Cold War period, and as far as looming portents of doom go, it has all been rather mild. As far as any new organization is reporting, in the face of almost certain global war, many Canadians have elected to simply shrug their shoulders and continue on with their days.
“It’s all just kind of been business as usual, actually,” said local shopkeeper and first Cold War veteran Sol Serviver. “Schools are still open, buses are still running—well, about as well as they ever do—and we’re all just patiently going about our days. It’s like they always say, you know: ‘Hope for the best; prepare for a nuclear holocaust.’ Like any prudent citizen, I’ve got my bunker ready, and that’s really all you need, isn’t it?”
It seems as though the global population has gone through all five stages of grief throughout these last few months, as an orange tyrant was elected to power, even after proving himself to be a horrible shitstain on the face of humanity time and time again; as the CIA proved that Russia hacked the election only to be told that they were lying and the attack on democracy wasn’t really all that important anyway; as the free press has been threatened by the new administration and called “liars” by people who can’t even tell the truth about established facts, such as what the weather is doing on any given day; as the world took to the streets to march against all this, against racism and sexism and homophobia and xenophobia and all the –isms and phobias that should really have been eradicated by now; through all of this, the world mourned, shouted, wrote angry op-eds and probably cried over, and now, finally, an eerie sense of calm has descended upon the populace.
“I think we’ve all just kind of accepted that the end is nigh,” said Douglas student Katja Scavenger, in an interview with the Other Press on Tuesday. “The most anyone can hope for at this point is that we get to punch a Nazi or two on this crazy ride down the black hole into a bottomless infinity.”
“I wouldn’t say it’s as dark as all that,” said another student, Ian Crimson. “Things aren’t getting better, sure, and things are definitely getting worse, but I mean, so far it all seems pretty calm. If I were to say anything about the current state of things, I’d say it’s all going fairly okay, and at this point the best we can do is strive for adequacy, right?”