Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly
My bold, daring passion project finally unveiled
By Greg Waldock, Staff Writer
Greetings, dear readers. You may know me from such ground-breaking articles as “People on Buses are Terrible,” and its hit sequel, “The Buses Suck Too.” While I fully stand by the quality reporting in those pieces, they were never my true passion. After two years at the Other Press, I’m finally ready to reveal my life’s work: Turning Burnaby Mountain into an active volcano.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “This is a great idea, Greg, but how would we convince the government to go through with it?” Well, there are two routes I’m pursuing. The first is a Patreon page to collect donations to use as bribe money. Failing that, the second plan is to fabricate scientific evidence and somehow connect it to a pipeline or some other hot-button issue. With these methods together, success is guaranteed within the next five years.
At this point, I’d like to address some of the protests my opponents have raised against turning one of Canada’s largest and most prestigious university campuses into a mountain filled with pressure and hot magma. Firstly, yes, this isn’t great for SFU’s Ecology department, but ecology is just biology for people who don’t care about chemistry, so it’s not a huge loss. Plus, this is GREAT for the Geology department, as they would have an excuse to get a bunch of those cool lava-resistant suits. Secondly, yes, you could, in some certain circumstances, call lava “extremely deadly,” but I think it’s better seen as a motivational tool! If we can schedule its lava flows with exam season, there’s no way people are going to risk repeating semesters.
Now, I don’t know how geothermal energy works—that’s for the geothermologists. I’m just here to say that several thousand tonnes of hot lava flowing down a mountain, across Coquitlam, and eventually down into the Fraser River will generate a lot of power. Maybe instead of fleeing for their lives, the people in the lava’s path can be put to work harnessing that power? I know it will cut across a lot of elementary school and suburban homes, but children are probably light enough to stand on lava without sinking, so there’s no real danger there.
In conclusion: I understand that this noble goal won’t be completed quickly. It could take years of bribery, falsifying evidence, and child endangerment. People who support me may be cast out as pariahs for their bold vision. Society rejects the new and innovative. However, I sincerely believe this dream can become a reality—and when it happens, we can look at beginning other projects such as turning the Sea Wall into a slope that rolls tourists into the sea, detaching Granville Island and letting it drift into the Pacific, and even more ambitious ideas that would make Vancouver a cooler, if less safe, place to live. Thank you for your time.
