In an effort to provide you with better news coverage and put three writers out of work, The Other Press presents Live Wires, the best news stories from around the world that we could print for pennies on the dollar.
Edited by Liam Britten, Humour Editor
Study: nation’s supply of surf rock bands at an all-time low
The Canadian Institute for the Study of Rock ‘n’ Roll Economy (CISRRE) has announced troubling results from an in-depth study into the health of Canada’s rock music scene: surf rock bands have never been scarcer, and may be extinct by the year 2015.
“It really concerns us,” said CISRRE chairman “Rockin’” Randy Riggle. “It’s so sad to think that my grandchildren may never hear the groovy sounds of vibrato arms on Fender guitars, echoing reverbs and rockin’ lyrics about being at the beach with your best girl. It breaks my rockin’ heart.”
While initially mirroring the American scene’s popularity and vitality, surf rock declined in the ‘70s to near irrelevance. Although surf music in Canada went through a brief revival in the ‘80s and ‘90s with such bands as Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet, it would appear those gains were short lived.
The CISRRE, however, does not intend to let the genre die out. They are planning several efforts to revive surf rock’s popularity, including a relevance transplant from the long-dead style of hot rod rock, or possibly simply renaming the genre “dubstep.”
Immigration Minister announces new scale to determine if someone is “too ethnic” to be admitted to Canada
After cutting all non-basic medical services for refugees, referring to them as “illegal immigrants” and telling the provinces not to provide health care for refugees, Immigration Minister Jason Kenney has announced a new plan to objectively measure the whiteness of new immigrants to Canada to determine whether or not certain immigrants should be allowed into Canada.
“We’re tired of all these system cheaters and queue jumpers ruining our country. They always have these stories, ‘genocide this,’ and ‘persecution that.’ It’s a bunch of hooey. And when they look different from people like me, well, frankly, that scares me,” he told The Other Press in an interview.
The Conservatives’ new scale will measure prospective immigrants based on skin colour scale, from Ron Howard (acceptable for Canada) at one end to Wesley Snipes (unacceptable) at the other. Anyone scoring between Wesley Snipes and Blake Griffin will be immediately deported.
Although Kenney said that he resents people calling his new measures racist, he doesn’t deny it.
—Canadian Presto Change-o
Toronto Maple Leafs claim Geroy Simon as NHL free agency opens
After setting the CFL’s all-time receiving yardage record at BC Place on Friday, Geroy Simon announced that he would be signing a three-year, $6-million contract to play for the Toronto Maple Leafs in September.
“Geroy brings a lot to our organization: class, leadership, determination, longevity, a winning attitude, and the experience of being a champion—qualities shared by literally no one here at the Maple Leafs organization,” said Leafs General Manager Brian Burke in a prepared statement.
Although surprised by the Leafs’ interest in him as a hockey player, a sport he has never played professionally, Simon said that he was ready for a challenge: “I have never been afraid of a little hard work, which is good, because the Leafs are fucking terrible,” he said as he was leaving Vancouver International Airport.