‘The suburban ’90s moms were right,’ say Wizards of the Coast

Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly

Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly

Magic: Gathering, Dungeons and Dragons actually ‘super evil’

By Greg Waldock, Staff Writer

 

In a surprise twist last Monday, tabletop gaming giant Wizards of the Coast announced that Magic: The Gathering, Dungeons and Dragons, and countless other products were designed to summon demons into the homes of customers everywhere. Suspected by suburban moms, orthodox church pastors, and Fox News since the 1990s, it has now been revealed that the games do in fact contain hidden messages, depictions of blood rituals, the number of the beast, and other satanic references in an attempt to appease Lucifer himself.

Wizards of the Coast’s founder, Peter Adkison, confessed this shocking revelation when confronted by a concerned citizen on live television demanding to know why 20-sided dice look vaguely like pentagrams.

“Whoops! Ya got me,” said Adkison. “We were totally into the whole Satan thing for a while there. I just really hate non-Catholic churches, small towns, and nuclear families.”

He then rolled his eyes back and began chanting Latin backwards, vindicating fear mongers everywhere. Satan, an avid member of the MTG tournament community, leapt from his table during his match and immediately began possessing children across North America, forcing them to murder, steal, blaspheme, and play blue mill decks.

The crisis stopped when a concerned citizen, Carol Lahey, splashed holy water on Adkison, and then gave an impassioned speech on the dangers of “Oriental occultism.” Adkison, defeated, went home to plot the next decade of diabolical scheming. In an interview after the fact, Adkison said, “I just have no idea how people didn’t see it before. Did no one read the chapter of the Bible that explicitly warns about pentagrams, the number 666, witchcraft, and communism?”

Wizards of the Coast will suffer no legal repercussions, as it’s not technically a crime to summon the Prince of Darkness, but Satan himself was disqualified from his tournament for vaporizing a judge.

The dangers of Satanism in gaming have been known since the late 1980s, when fantasy games began drawing on artwork and characters from European interpretations of non-monotheistic religions as a way of conveying fear and danger to players. At least, that’s what the world at large thought, until the events of that fateful Monday. After Adkison’s public attempt to destroy the moral fabric of America, Wizards of the Coast quickly confessed with a prepared apology, stating that the original Magic: The Gathering rule book was discovered in 1984 soaked in goat blood underneath an Irish monastery.

“We thought it was written in an ancient form of Gaelic, but it turns out Banding was just really complicated,” the company revealed.

Marilyn Manson, members of Metallica, and other representatives of the metal community issued a statement saying they were “disappointed that the brilliant ‘turn people into Satanists through children’s card games using imagery never associated with the Devil until after World War 2’ plan somehow didn’t work,” but stated that “We’ve still got big plans for pure, hapless Middle America. All metal albums this year come with a free upside-down cross and a pack of tarot cards!”

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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