Seeking advice on Trump relationship, Liberals take advice from beyond the tiny grave
By Greg Waldock, Staff Writer
In a controversial move, Prime Minister Trudeau has conducted a séance with members of the government to contact the ghosts of former Prime Minister William Mackenzie King’s cherished dogs.
Their counsel was sought out as Trudeau’s amicable relationship with President Trump is becoming increasingly volatile. Mackenzie King also sought the aid of Leonardo di Vinci and President Roosevelt, but neither were summoned by Trudeau in an effort to support Canadian ghosts. Trudeau held hands with willing members of his cabinet and unwilling members of Parliament in a three-hour ceremony in his office. After all the rituals were done, three Irish Terriers appeared and began barking advice first in English, followed by French.
The dogs, all named Pat, were integral parts of King’s cabinet during World War II and continued the good work after their deaths with the PM’s famous séances. His companions throughout in life, and eventually in their death, the three Pats are credited with giving King the longest reign of any prime minister in Canadian history—even longer than Pierre with his gaggle of English musicians and socialist dictators. The terriers haven’t been contacted since 1965, when they convinced Lester B. Pearson to get strangled by LBJ over the Vietnam War.
As President Trump increasingly sides with radical right-wing nationalism, Trudeau has been put in the uncomfortable position of being a Canadian prime minister who is politically encouraged to criticize the American president, something most PMs have been wary to do due to our dependence on American commerce. Trump’s notorious itchy trigger finger for perceived slights to his ego also gives Trudeau pause, and reports from Ottawa indicate his morning horoscope readings have turned ominously vague, as opposed to regularly vague.
Hoping to get a furious condemnation of the Liberal Party after their defeat in the last election, the NDP summoned the ghost of Jack Layton, who instead praised the country for removing Harper from power and delivered a powerful speech on the importance of accepting each other’s faults, personally and politically. Andrew Scheer of the Conservative Party tried to get in touch with their roots by returning the everlasting soul of John A. Macdonald, the founder of the Canadian Tories, to the mortal realm, but John got trashed at the nearest bar with some college kids and burned down part of the Parliament Building. He remains on the loose to this day.
The current advice from the three Pats is for Trudeau to use his life history against Trump and lower his ego for good. This means Trudeau will either be challenging the president to go boxing from his campaign days, or hot-boxing from his Vancouver days.